Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Dear Non-Minivan Owner

Dear Non-Minivan Owner,

     Hi there. I am writing today to dispel a few myths about us minvan owners and to clear some things up. I use to be "like" you, as in, I did NOT drive a minivan.  Actually I was brought into the minivan family kicking and screaming by my husband.  We had two boys and were planning on having a third.  We had to get a larger vehicle so we traded in my husbands truck, he took my baby (my blue Xterra) and he forced me to drive a minivan at a car lot.  When I say forced, I mean forced. He test drove it and then he FORCED me to drive it.  After I did, I was ok with it.  It wasn't until a few months later that the love evolved.

     I mean, how did I ever drive the kids around without one?  How did we take trips before?  This is so roomy!!  The dogs had their spot and we had ours.  K no longer felt the need to try to climb into my lap while I was driving!  It was heaven!

    This heaven was short lived though.  Not a day goes by that I don't hear "stupid minivan drivers" or "minivan drivers can't drive".  I would like to clear a few things up here.

     First. Let us talk about the idea that minivan owners can't drive.  I have never been in a car accident that was my fault.  I have been hit, but never hit.  I am pretty sure that 90% of all minivan drivers are parents (I am giving the other 10% to crafters.  We need space, yo.)  That being said, 100% of minvan drivers have cargo they would prefer not to break.

   I think people seem to forget that minivans can go more than 20 mph.  When I am driving down the road and turning right at a stop light (which was green by the way) do NOT, and I repeat do NOT, turn left in front of me Mr. Old-White-Man-Driving-A-Big-Black-SUV.  

     Yes, I saw you.  I saw you STOPPED at the light.  I saw you see me put on my turn signal, like the courteous driver does.  I also saw you QUICKLY floor it so you could cut me off.  The proper response to me having to slam on my breaks to slow down and stop while I am giving you the thrown up "WTF hands" is NOT to point that you were turning in front of me.  I think that was PRETTY darn obvious.  

     Second fact.  Minivans take a longer time to stop.  While I am driving down the road going from school, to appointment, to stores, to home (if I am lucky), I would appreciate it if you didn't make me slam on my brakes.  Guess what?  Minivans are long.  They take a LONG time to stop.  I will PROBABLY end up hitting you OR getting hit if I have to slam on my brakes.  Because of this I end up keeping a big distance between the car infront of me and yell at Eric when he drives.  You know what this does not allow you to do?   SQUEEZE your little car infront of mine.  I don't drive slow, I am being cautious.  Please don't make me hit you.  If I get in an accident because of a stupid thing you did, please get ready to protect your head from flying objects, after I check to make sure my kids are ok.

     Third fact, which I alluded to in the second fact.  Minivans are long.  When I am backing out of a parking space, my van is LONG.   Most of the time I have to back out SLOW because I can't see very well out of my spot.  Most of the time I can see fine that no one is coming, but if I am 50% out of a space WAIT for me to get out.   If I am boxed in with trucks I will have to go slow because my visibility is shot.   It will take you all of 10 seconds to do so.  I am pretty sure you have an additional 10 seconds.   Do not fly around me making me slam on my brakes....again.  If I do and I hit your car, please see the consequences in the second fact.

    I think that is PRETTY much the end of my rant for now. I am sure that within the next week something else will happen and I will have to throw up my hands to someone else.  I am 100% sure someone else will come close to hitting me and blame it on me and my minivan.  

     We might be "slower" looking and not as cool, but I dare you to try to find a more comfortable way to tow around a family of five safely.

Later Haters,

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